I am Afraid.
Why do we fear? Is fear programmed into our skin that surrenders and raises the alarm through goosebumps when we speak our mind? Is it woven in the fabric of our heartbeats that swell and deflate like a balloon too close to the sun? Evolution dictates that fears are here to protect humanity. To be the sword and shield between the foreseeable and the unknown. That’s what we tell ourselves - to justify the tea kettle letting off steam through screams in the echoes of synapses and pauses.
My mind is no different – the kettle may have a different pattern and the stove gas versus your electric, but we are one and the same. I am not afraid of snakes, spiders, heights, or the dentist. These were conquered long before I understood what conquering meant. No. I am most afraid of me. Of the multitudes I contain, and of failing no one other than myself. It is not comparison to anyone else I face, rather a competition between my present, past, and future selves. There is a string of Q&A that occurs in my conscious on a daily basis:
· Do I hold myself accountable to the things my past self wanted to do and become?
“That person does not exist.” I remind myself.
· Do I mold my present self in order for my future self to succeed; never fully living in the present?
“This has to be the answer,” I respond. “To strive for more. It is hard to find balance when you don’t know what you should balancing. If you do nothing in the now, your future suffers, and your past self can attest to that.”
I have no true answers, I am merely speculating. A specter seeking to find a place where there is silence between the three people that exist and ARE within me. I will never know my future or past selves - they don’t exist yet are all encompassing. I can understand how some can happily choose willful ignorance or to compare themselves to others – It is easier than looking internally.
To measure yourself against yourself, a metric which will never allow for one to win or lose.
That isn’t to say that my life is all speculation and doom and gloom. On the contrary, my life is full of happiness. Of joy. Of love. The internal combat doesn’t mean that I do not feel fulfilled – I could die now and be perfectly fine (well, definitely dead, but fine nonetheless.) I am excited and motivated internally to do things now that will positively affect my future and increase my chances of having stability.
Most of us seek stability in some form, even as we know and chant that the only constant is change. That is one thing that this internal battle has taught me – I am capable of change immediately and on a whim. I can go vegan cold tempeh (cold turkey would just be ridiculous at that point.) I can start to learn a language just because. I can work out and start implementing things at the drop of a hat. I am adaptable and it is useful to be so.
There is a book called The Parable of the Sower and within it the main character, Lauren, deems that God isn’t an entity but change itself. Change does not and is not worth being worshipped but acknowledged and embraced. I have lived my life this way. Seeking change for a better future and adapting to the present.
As humans we have to give ourselves room to change and to make it acceptable. We do not have to have concrete opinions or thoughts because that leads to stagnation and a decrease in growth. I would rather be curious and experiment with thought and find out I was wrong later, than to never change or acknowledge my faults. I know I am not perfect and no human, or god(s), or beings ever were. I do not fool myself into thinking perfection is even a thing worth striving for – it is a construct that exists internally and is vastly different depending upon what stage you’re at in life. I want to grow and change and unravel as much as possible. To mold and shatter my thoughts over and over and over. I never want to be complete, and this scares me. It is so integrally opposite of many people, who want stability and make that their life goal. In some ways I do want stability, but I want it as a form of freedom. Of being able to not be tied to a job, a person, or a place. To see, experience, and unravel with the people and communities around me. To never be “perfect” or worse, idyllic. To just BE, in a time when it is a crime and looked down upon to not have your life as a marketable item.
Ultimately, what you plant will grow. It may not be this season. It may not be this year. But choose to plant something that will benefit not only you, but the invisible communities around you. To encourage growth in peoples you haven’t met, as well as within yourself. There is a seed project that is testing how long a seed can be kept and still grow. And right now, there are vegetable seeds over a hundred years old that have been planted and are growing. That is the legacies we create. It is not through blood, relationships, or anything other than the things you choose to plant that benefit a new world of minds. As for me, my seed will not be fear – it will be curiosity.
